Saturday, October 14, 2017

A short Autumn night.

His face glows among the grey background of fading faces.
A gentle smile and wave that says, "It was good to see you, too bad you couldn't join", sends enough warmth to sustain the way home on a chilly autumn night.

As I stroll on the wet, rainy streets, the tummy grumbles at the mind's logic of eating late and eating out, again. The person succumbs, and settles for a relatively inexpensive looking sushi bar which seems to have some life in it. "Maybe that might lift my drenched spirits", I thought.

The chef is busy but politely asks if it's a seat for one and curtiously, I nod trying to squeeze in the last ounce of positivity I have left for the day.

Patiently, I wait to be asked to order, trying not to rush an already exhausted chef. Instinctually, I did exactly the opposite as I enjoyed my watching him in action.

Swiftly, I ate my first 3 orders and Gently, I ordered more. Patience has never been my virtue, hence my increased awareness and effort in recent times.

As I force feed myself with pickled ginger in a bid to both challenge myself and pick up local customary habits, the instant reflex of being at unease is to grab the phone.

I pick up on where I left off on my free Google Book of Tesla. Getting too engrossed in his story, I cry. My heavy heart heaves for people like him and Alan Turing, incredible beings with such wonderful minds, but such tragic endings.

It inspires and de-motivates me at the same time. Their self-sufficient hearts fuel their passion and creativity which ignites their imagination and sets them to work against all odds. Or maybe, it's the other way round.

Finishing the read, I feel a heightened sense of longing and the hole in my heart, and I wonder if they had too ? Was it filled with a sense of unrequited love to contribute to society that drowned that ache or do highly intelligent beings just adeptly condition themself because they are able to see through the shallow waters of the human flow and thus, make peace with it ?

As I look up to these heroes, I couldn't help but to equip myself with more knowledge and aspire towards intelligence. As I look towards intelligence, I can't help but feel that it might lead to distance from people and eventual loneliness. I have made peace with eventual loneliness, and it doesn't take a genius to easily achieve this result.

Sometimes I struggle to believe it will be worth it in the end. Most times I believe it will. But tonight, I am vulnerable. I feel like a puppy, chasing tails and longing to love and be loved.

And I'm ok with that.

Seasons come and go, and this too, shall pass.

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