i dont understand. the skies seem greyer these days. the water seems rougher. the weather more unpredictable. the ppl more annoying. the animals less cuddly. the fishes less calming. i am feeling so melancholic these days. i've lost my sense of optimism. i'm blinded from the light of the sun i cant remember when i've last seen. i'm freezing from the moonlight i can't avoid but seem to grow fonder of. i seem to be loosing the patience for those who need and deserve it but seem to have nurtured more empathy for those who have totally nothing to do with me or anything in my life. there's so many brown leaves, everywhere. where are the greens? how do i clear this mess? where do i put all the old and rotten? how do u treat ur own backache? how do u get rid of baggage? how do u stop all this from getting worse? why is everything getting worse? is this a test from god? is there something in all this rubble that he wants u to find? is there something good awaiting? or is all this the consequences from all those times where i was too weak and gave into satan's whispers. yes. those thoughts i can remember so clearly and of course, his very powerful power of suggestion. i entertain them so much i feel it's a part of me. part of my personality. just plain simple me. the part of me which makes me feel so strong. so powerful. so clear. so untouchable. so unbreakable. so... numb. i feel nothing can scathe me. that's cause i don't and can't feel. at all. i think i do, maybe for all those poor lil furry animals getting hit by vehicles or end up in the cooking pot. but where does all this sympathy come from? how can a cold cold heart feel such warm, charming thoughts? how do u fight back? how do u pick urself up from all this rubble? how do u clear this debris? a thought at the back of my mind tells me i need help. but i bite my tounge at the thought of that. i sometimes wish it will bleed. bleed n bleed til i probably die or something. ahh... the thought of death. i know i shut u up when u talk of it. but i am comfortable with it but just not of yours. i do think of my own death too. many a times. i picture my funeral cold. wet. and deserted. no one in sight. at all. i sometimes wish that i would just incenerate.
there's only one reason why i regret everything i've just said. and the only that makes me kick myself in the ass for having all these ever regrettable consistant toughts. it is today last year. the rebirth of me. thanks to one particular person. the one who warmed my heart, opened my mind, freed my soul. and i thank god for sending me his angel in disguise.